As the Democratic National Convention kicks off today I thought it would be interesting to go back and read our fair and sensible president’s charm for the Amurhican peoples back when he was still just an unpopular governor of Texas and the pride of a nation had yet to be fully skinned and hung to tether beneath a constant banner of war and lost jobs.

It’s got everything you’d expect: folksy aphorisms, stupid fucking jokes, a diminutizing attitude toward the office, and a temporal rhyme scheme that could make your skin crawl. It’s classic W. even as he was still very early in discovering his true latent identity as the Decider.

But hindsight is 20/20, right? So, using this retarded rag of a speech as a template, I think it will be fun to hear Obama & company’s bombastic, sincere-sounding orations, as well as the RNC’s snivelling contributions, and fantasize about how these seemingly well-intended words will be dialated and fucked over the next few years.

Come on, Washington, how you gonna let us down next? These are very big shoes to fill.